Dear Quentin,
Last year, my father passed away. He left behind a rather routine will created with his fourth wife approximately 25 years prior. A long time back, he wrote me a letter mentioning that he had established an account for me, providing both the account number and a contact telephone number, which indicated that I was named as the beneficiary of this particular account. Additionally, he informed me that after his death, his funds were intended to be transferred to his fourth wife initially, but following her demise, these assets would revert to me.
No records were found regarding a pour-over will or any related documents. He didn’t even discuss this matter with his wife. He consistently assured me that I wouldn’t face any concerns. Their finances remained independent; each covered their own costs, such as vacations and household expenditures. Given these circumstances, I thought it best to speak with my stepmom. So, I asked her whether I am included in her will since she often mentions leaving all her assets to her two kids.
I enjoyed a great rapport with both my dad and his wife, though she may not share this sentiment. Indeed, I’ve consulted a lawyer who advised that apart from talking to her and clarifying why certain funds should revert to me, there isn’t much else I can pursue legally. It’s clear that since it is her money, and lacking extra proof beyond what Dad stated, I’m limited in options. Additionally, I know one has just a short period—perhaps a matter of months—to challenge a will.
Is that reasonable? Do you believe his funds should be directed elsewhere?
This gnaws at me daily. My stepmom resides quite near. Any guidance would be greatly valued.
Stepson
Related:
One out of my three kids passed away—leaving behind a child. Additionally, I have another grandchild. Could you advise me on how to equitably distribute my assets?
Dear Stepson,
Whether your stepmom is your dad’s first, second, third, or even fourth spouse, she has dedicated 25 years to their relationship. Because of this commitment, she holds considerable sway over asset distribution based on her preferences. From what you’ve shared in your message, discussions with your stepmom seem to have resulted in a definitive “no,” an ambiguous “perhaps,” or simply ended without any clear conclusion. It took me quite some time to feel comfortable saying, “I prefer not to discuss this; let’s move onto another topic.” Given the circumstances, I wouldn’t fault your stepmom if she opted for such phrasing herself.
Your dad is actually the one causing the deadlock with your stepmom. If he truly intended to leave you part of his fortune, he would have done it already. Often, the explanations for not having a clear inheritance plan are quite mundane. He might have avoided conflict with his spouse and agreed to let her decide how to divide the assets since they’ve been together for 25 years. Alternatively, he might think this method saves him time and energy. It’s also possible he just forgot about it altogether.
Many individuals never get even a single dollar from their parents—either because the parents had nothing remaining to offer or opted against providing support—and these people still thrive in life.
Considering that your stepmother has two other offspring, it might seem “equitable” from your perspective—though perhaps not hers—for you to inherit one-third of her assets upon her demise. However, according to the law, stepchildren do not have automatic inheritance rights; these laws aim to ensure some level of impartiality. An exemption exists though—if you’re designated as a beneficiary in a bank account or insurance policy, those specific funds would be yours regardless. This stipulation takes precedence over what’s stated in a will since this arrangement forms a direct agreement with the respective financial entity, thus preventing your father from leaving such an asset to his spouse if another individual is explicitly named as the recipient.
I got another letter like yours from someone around their 60s who was economically secure and wished to speak with their 90-year-old stepmom for identical reasons. For that situation, I suggested avoiding such a confrontation. The person writing was also 60 years old, and they felt that engaging in an argument about inheritance wasn’t worth it when dealing with their 90-year-old stepmom. However, what stands out positively in your message is that you seem to have managed having a polite chat with your own stepmom. It seems safe to assume that since there were no signs of heated arguments, the exchange remained respectful, albeit brief.
What I told that writer holds true—no relationship can thrive when rooted in resentment or financial expectations. To clarify: no “healthy” relationship can flourish under such conditions. If you maintain good relations with your stepmother, release the notion of receiving funds you feel entitled to, and view this as a chance to adjust your budget towards achieving your personal retirement objectives independently. Many individuals never see even a single dollar from their parents—for reasons like insufficient assets remaining or deliberate decisions—and these folks still lead fulfilling lives.
You are now part of those esteemed ranks.
Related:
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Can my second wife gain access to my funds if I move them into my retirement account?
“Should I consider what’s right here?” I plan to pass down our family home to my kids from my initial marriage rather than to my spouse from my subsequent union.
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